What I Should Have Said

Yes I do regret what I said.

I did not see you for a while, and I wanted to thank you for sending a plate of left-overs. It was not the very best I have had, but it was up there. You know, with that kind of thing, you are dealing with generations of cooks, and everyone’s family holds the secret to the best. I also wanted to thank you for the drink recipe you jotted down, and let you know that since you sent that home I had gained 20 pounds. Ha Ha, my attempt at being funny, but I really did gain weight, because we kept a batch of it on hand at all times. I also would have said, that you shouldn’t expect any more calls, it’s just that I missed you.

But I did call. And instead of saying any of the above, I told you something else. I do not believe it was God that made me say it, like many had concluded, and which I too believed for a while. I said it, from my heart and soul. And since I said it, my whole life was stripped down to the bone. Because of the shame I felt, I could no longer accept the friends I thought I had, and they all became barely acquaintances. My life was stripped down to what I really did have, which was my family, and what was in my head, knowledge of my profession, which allows me to be gainfully employed, in order to take care of my family, if only materially. I can confidently say that I can count my friends on two fingers. I was mistaken to believe I had many more than that. I am not your friend. I am resigned to the idea that we will never be friends. I was simply dreaming.

I have an enemy who has capitalized on my lack of good sense. He has seen when I am down on the ground, and his eye does not feel sorry when he puts his heel to my head, while I am trying to get up. I know I am not helping matters, but it is true. My stupidity in voicing what I really felt was always a mistake. I always knew that it would be, and I always imagined what would happen if I did say the words. Precisely what I imagined is what happened. I have been kicked down to the point that soon I will no longer be called brother.

What I should have said, was nothing at all. Not over the phone, not face to face. Just nothing, and let time put some distance between us, and allow you to enjoy your feast, in peace.

Others have ruined their lives, much worse than I have, and yet I am among them. I still have some things to hang on to. Very solid things. But you cannot be one of those things. I regret this too.

I do wish that those who should love you, love you with great intensity, never making you feel alone, always making you feel like the center of their universe. May you always feel full.


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